Hurting

I’m sitting with my back against a water tank with mountains as my view. Today it feels like a mountain is on my shoulders. Actually it’s been a few days.

I wonder what it feels like to know how you are going to die. It must be devastatingly horrible. A family member of mine found out that her cancer spread a lot and that she needs to go for radiation. I think that’s what it’s called. She told my mother that she is sitting in bed every day crying where no one can see and hear her. She has a very painful road ahead of her.

My mother that has early onset vascular dementia is having bad days every day lately. I do not understand how she feels bad every day. We had a fight today because of the way I asked her whether she needed to go to the doctor or hospital among other things. Apparently I speak much nicer to my chickens. It ended with her threatening the unthinkable – suicide.

It is a sad thought to think that she will die of this illness and it’s really terrible knowledge to have for her an us- her family. I still haven’t Googled vascular dementia. It scares the shit out of me. My imagination is bad enough.

People do not realise that it is not only the person with the illness that suffers. The people and family around them suffers just as much. We also have feelings and sad thoughts about what’s happening. We are just as afraid. It sounds selfish but it is the truth. It is hard to get a thousand responsibilities suddenly on top of those that you already have. I don’t mind having them as I am sure other do not as well, but it still is something to get adjusted to. Anyway, that is the other side of the coin for today.

That being said we should always stand by whoever has a mental illness. Even if it gets extremely frustrating. Any illness for that matter. I heard of someone whose friends deserted her because she was diagnosed with dementia. It’s only cowards that do this in my opinion.

I rarely cry. But sitting here, I can’t seem to stop the tears from coming out. No one should make threats of committing suicide to others. It is downright mean. No matter what the situation is.

PS. I do not have wifi so could not put my post through grammarly so please excuse as usual my grammar and punctuation.

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A happy place

In our everyday lives, things can get too much.

Yesterday our aftercare venue was moved by the principal of the school. I had to find out through a friend of mine while I was at work.

“your aftercare moved. Your mother is in tears” that was the message I received. Having early-onset dementia, change isn’t always a good thing for my mother. I also hate change. It makes me anxious. And it gets my mother’s mind scrambled upside down and anxious. Which makes her cry.

I hate it when someone cries. I am always at a loss about what I should do. Will just a pat on the back help? What do I say that won’t make the person cry more? (I can be a bit harsh at times). It’s terrible. Anyhow back to the subject.

A lot of last-minute arrangements had to be made. Contacting the teachers and parents etc. Luckily my mother could do that in between the tears.

To make matters worse, when I arrived at the aftercare and fetched the kids from class I lost my car keys. In a panic, we searched everywhere. After hours of searching, we found it in my bag. Believe it or not, but we searched through that bag 6 times. Sigh.

And to top it all off, we had to wait more than an hour for a taxi to pick up 2 kids. The taxi never arrived. It made me very angry. I felt like punching the guy because he is late every damn day.

On days such as these, I like to go to my “happy place” in my mind as well as my physical happy place. I love chickens. Besides a dog, a chicken is always loyal. Even if it’s just for food. Ha ha. Picturing courageous (see my story “be courageous”) always makes me feel better as a feeling of happiness comes to me. At my physical happy place, there’s Geese, ducks, loads of chickens and all sorts of other animals.

This helps me to calm down when I get worried, anxious or when I have a bad day and so on. I believe that all of us should have a “happy place” where we can escape to.

Ps. My grammar and punctuation suck, but that’s nothing new! 🙂

Be grateful

Today I am grateful that I am alive. I am grateful that I have an income. I am grateful to have a roof over my head.

In our daily lives we can forget to be grateful for what we have. When issues and struggles shows up we just stare straight into it without realizing that all aren’t bad. That there is still things that is working out, that is running smoothly.

Whatever you situation is, think some positives out for the situation. Or something to be grateful for.

Frustrated

Today I feel so irritated, frustrated and angry. I don’t know why exactly, but I woke up on the wrong side of bed in a manner of speaking.

I woke up to a radio that was turned on too loud. That started my irritation like a volcano that’s erupting violently.

I haven’t been sleeping for the last few weeks because of a consistent cough that doesn’t stop, keeping me up all night. So, the whole day I have been walking around like a lion with a sore tooth.

This afternoon I wanted cake and decided to go and bake one. That was a horrible disaster. My cake did not even raise. It stayed flat like a damn pancake. To make it worse it stuck to the pan and broke into pieces when I tried to get it out of the pan.

Well then. The cake flopped, but there’s still the icing to look forward to that my sister is busy making. Lordy, that was even more of a flop than my cake.

I ended up dividing the pieces of cake between us and threw the watery icing over it like a sauce.

Over the last 3 weeks I have lost most of my silkie chickens and some chicks due to cold weather. It’s a big loss for me.

A month earlier my partner that owns the chickens with me wants to sell a few of our breeding pairs because she can’t bring her share financially anymore.

It feels like I am losing my dream to breed and make an income out of my precious chickens that I am so fond of. It makes me angry and frustrated. What will I lose next?

I wonder what it means to be truly happy and carefree.

Lots of circumstances contribute to me feeling like this, mixed in with a bit of depression. Hopefully this will pass soon.

With days such as this, I wish I could be alone, far away from other people.

I feel like I want to howl like a lone wolf on top of a mountain.

Are two heads better than one?

It started with a busy day for me. Since my mother has dementia and my father’s back are too bad to stand and walk for long periods it falls on me to do the monthly grocery shopping. As well as paying the monthly bills among other things.

This particular morning I had to first go to work and then do the groceries, which is a mission and a half. Anyway, I got home and started to unpack the groceries and my father went and started to work out what our electric bill is.
There was a sudden silence followed by this can not be. When I went over to him I saw that our bill was exactly double the amount that we pay every month. When you do not have a lot of money, this can give you a whopper of an anxiety attack.

We sat there in our living room trying to figure out where he made a mistake in calculating our bill. I worked it out too and came to the same amount he came to.

It was horrible. We sat there nearly in tears till my mother showed up. She usually works it out for us. She was having an off day with her Dementia and still did the correct calculations. It turned out we got our math wrong.
What a relief.
Two heads better than one? Not in this case!

Having dementia does not mean that that person is suddenly stupid and incapable of doing ordinary daily tasks and other things.
As a daughter with a mother with early-onset Dementia, it is very hard to come to grip with how things will become- or more accurately how soon things will go downhill. Will she still be able to do this or that? These thoughts cloud your judgment. The fact is, as I have mentioned earlier, they aren’t suddenly incapable of doing things. Let them continue as they have been their whole lives until it is clear that they aren’t capable of doing it anymore.
There certainly will be lots of frustrating days for the person with dementia and his/her companion, family members, and friends. I certainly have a fair share of frustration as does my mother. Deal with it and move on/

PS. Grammar and punctuation suck, but that is nothing new.

Be courageous.

About two years back a friend’s mom got sick. I ended up looking after her small farm for three months. One of the tasks I had was to look after the egg hatching machine. When it got time for the first batch of eggs to hatch, I was ecstatic! I was in front of the incubator, looking through the window for any signs of pipping.
I did not know that it took hours for them to get out of the egg, but found out soon enough though.

One chick was too weak to break out and the membrane dried. since it was more than a day that the chick was struggling I decided to help. I got the shell off eventually and had a very weak chick in my hand, who might not survive. I put the chick back in the warm incubator and hoped for the best.

Soon it got time for the chick to leave the machine even though it was still weak. Anyhow, a long story short, I ended up sitting with the chick on my chest under my shirt so that she could stay warm and stop crying for weeks in the middle of winter. I had to separate her from the other chicks as they were stronger than her.
I decided to call her Courageous because even though she had a less than ideal start in life, she fought to stay alive.

Sometimes life throws us huge curve balls and punches, but it is up to us to decide how we will handle it. We can either sink or swim. Lots of people out there have mental, physical and even undiagnosed issues to deal with that is terrible. And I include myself in this, but decide to live today, and go out with your back straight and tackle everything with all you have.

Those of us that have friends and parents with mental illnesses like Dementia, Alzheimers, Depression and so on, support them as much as you can, even though it is hard for us too at times. It could have been you, and they are far from useless. They are still the people we know, love and care for.
BE COURAGEOUS TODAY NO MATTER WHAT PROBLEMS YOU HAVE. DECIDE TO LIVE AND MOVE FORWARD.

PS. Grammar and punctuation suck, but that is nothing new.

Update on my blog “anxious about my first teaching practice”. End of the first week.

I can certainly say that I was unnecessary anxious about the teaching practice. The mentors (teachers) are very helpful.

My first day did not start that well. It started with a question–did you prepare a Bible story? Hmmm well sh!t was all I could think of and said no, but I can tell them about David and Goliath. A suggestion Saro gave the previous night in case I had to do a story. The story went well in the end.

Lesson learned- be prepared for anything.

The story made me think about children’s stories in general. They contain a lot of violence. Are we teaching our children violence from the start of their lives without realizing it?

When I told them the story about David and Goliath I said David threw the Goliath with rocks and then he fainted haha. If you think about it even stories in the Bible have violence. Anyway, it is a topic for another day.

As I said in my previous post, I have a lot of self-doubts. Am I studying the correct course? Yesterday I realized that I am actually enjoying myself a lot.

I also realized that teaching is a lot of work. It requires a lot of preparation. Many people are under the impression that teaching isn’t working. Some regard only physical work as a job.

This is not the case. Teaching is emotionally taxing. Not to mention the long hours. A teacher’s job doesn’t end when the school closes for the day. A lot of hours go into planning and marking at home. This is just a few things out of a very long list.

Teachers also work in different circumstances depending on the area where the school is situated.