I feel very emotional today. I long to be on my own. Without people around me. To have a place that is just my own. I want an income big enough to support myself, to be able to get a vehicle that doesn’t break every other day. I long for mornings that I wake up with no worries, sorrows and pain. I long to have a life that is not full of fighting between family members in the household and intolerance for each other. I want to be free. Free in every sense of the word.
It is nice to daydream about all these things I long for, but it is crushing me when I realize that no matter how much I long for all these things, these things will not happen.
I have been house sitting for the last month. I have to tell you; it is damn hard to adjust again. There is always a fight going on somewhere, there’s always tobacco pipe smoke in the air that aggravates my asthma and sinus problems, because of an inconsiderate father. A father who is a wonderful dad and person most if the time.
I struggle to sleep because it is too quiet. And when I am sleeping, I dream of snakes biting me. It is fitting to say that my emotions are everywhere. Sadly I really am a difficult person to live with. I can be pretty intolerant, impatient and irritable to name just a few things. Sometimes I wonder how to change. They say if you want change around you, it needs to start with yourself. Sadly, though I am not very successful at all.
Hmm this really is a depressing post, but it really seems to make me feel better writing about it today. A sort of outlet.
In the end I want God to answer my prayers. I feel as if he just disappeared and my faith with him. No matter how much you pray it really just seems that he isn’t listening. When I look around me everyone looks happy and content. They see their prayers answered. It is not fair. Ha-ha I sound just like a child!!
I have been without my depression meds for a month now. I have been thinking that maybe I am just not happy. Maybe it isn’t depression at all. The meds stopped working anyway if you ask me.
All will be ok in the end.
Ps. I am sorry for my bad grammar and punctuation.