The Future

I am scared for my future. I do not know how to express that sentence properly, but there it is.

I am currently studying teaching and still have a long way to go before I am finished. It is very expensive. I gather money by house sitting for people who goes away on vacation or just for the weekend. With covid my income has almost halved.

It worries me that the fees goes up every year. How will I gather enough with my expenses included? Besides the money problems I worry if I will be able to get a job. Will I be good enough for teaching? Will I be able to do it properly? I struggle with dealing and talking to strangers and large groups of people. Just thinking about it makes me want to run away. I am sure I will be able to do it, but really, it scares the shit out of me.

I worry about doing my practicals. I am scared teachers will judge me and say I am not fit and would not be able to be a good teacher. I am sure it is just my insecurities that’s talking.

Lastly I am going to be oooolllldddd when I am finished. Probably in my thirties. I am worried that people will hire first the young and then the old.

I am going to apply for a bursary and hope for the best. I really hope that God will look out for me. And clear my path for me.

Sorry for my poor grammar. Ps. One if my subjects will be grammar so maybe it will improve!😂😂

Doing something positive

It has been a very long time since I have posted something here. Life has a way of running away from you sometimes.

Lately nothing seems to be much positive in my life as one shitty thing after the next happens whithout stopping. And my depression do not help either.

Today I thought about something. If I were to stand outside myself and look at the small things in my life there sure is a lot of small positive things happening, and I am missing it, because I just stare at all the negative things happening in and outside of my life.

As a hobby to make an extra income I have a few chickens. It is breeding season for them and chicks are popping out of their shells. It is such a wonderful thing to see. It is a new life that enters our world without seeing all the negative things. They just want food, water and their mother. It is so beautiful, making me feel warmth in my chest.

I also look after people’s homes and pets for an income and it so happens that I need to water some seeds for the current house I am looking after. Yesterday when I woke up I walked past the carton it is in I saw that three of them started to grow! It feels wonderful to see that all the watering has paid of and that I helped it come to life.

In the end I suppose we should always try to see the positive, even if it is just a half positive. I admit it is better said than done. In my case anyway. Looking for the positive things in your life might lift the darkness for a while.

I am sorry for my really crappy grammar and punctuation. it really is a very weak point!

Hurting

I’m sitting with my back against a water tank with mountains as my view. Today it feels like a mountain is on my shoulders. Actually it’s been a few days.

I wonder what it feels like to know how you are going to die. It must be devastatingly horrible. A family member of mine found out that her cancer spread a lot and that she needs to go for radiation. I think that’s what it’s called. She told my mother that she is sitting in bed every day crying where no one can see and hear her. She has a very painful road ahead of her.

My mother that has early onset vascular dementia is having bad days every day lately. I do not understand how she feels bad every day. We had a fight today because of the way I asked her whether she needed to go to the doctor or hospital among other things. Apparently I speak much nicer to my chickens. It ended with her threatening the unthinkable – suicide.

It is a sad thought to think that she will die of this illness and it’s really terrible knowledge to have for her an us- her family. I still haven’t Googled vascular dementia. It scares the shit out of me. My imagination is bad enough.

People do not realise that it is not only the person with the illness that suffers. The people and family around them suffers just as much. We also have feelings and sad thoughts about what’s happening. We are just as afraid. It sounds selfish but it is the truth. It is hard to get a thousand responsibilities suddenly on top of those that you already have. I don’t mind having them as I am sure other do not as well, but it still is something to get adjusted to. Anyway, that is the other side of the coin for today.

That being said we should always stand by whoever has a mental illness. Even if it gets extremely frustrating. Any illness for that matter. I heard of someone whose friends deserted her because she was diagnosed with dementia. It’s only cowards that do this in my opinion.

I rarely cry. But sitting here, I can’t seem to stop the tears from coming out. No one should make threats of committing suicide to others. It is downright mean. No matter what the situation is.

PS. I do not have wifi so could not put my post through grammarly so please excuse as usual my grammar and punctuation.

A happy place

In our everyday lives, things can get too much.

Yesterday our aftercare venue was moved by the principal of the school. I had to find out through a friend of mine while I was at work.

“your aftercare moved. Your mother is in tears” that was the message I received. Having early-onset dementia, change isn’t always a good thing for my mother. I also hate change. It makes me anxious. And it gets my mother’s mind scrambled upside down and anxious. Which makes her cry.

I hate it when someone cries. I am always at a loss about what I should do. Will just a pat on the back help? What do I say that won’t make the person cry more? (I can be a bit harsh at times). It’s terrible. Anyhow back to the subject.

A lot of last-minute arrangements had to be made. Contacting the teachers and parents etc. Luckily my mother could do that in between the tears.

To make matters worse, when I arrived at the aftercare and fetched the kids from class I lost my car keys. In a panic, we searched everywhere. After hours of searching, we found it in my bag. Believe it or not, but we searched through that bag 6 times. Sigh.

And to top it all off, we had to wait more than an hour for a taxi to pick up 2 kids. The taxi never arrived. It made me very angry. I felt like punching the guy because he is late every damn day.

On days such as these, I like to go to my “happy place” in my mind as well as my physical happy place. I love chickens. Besides a dog, a chicken is always loyal. Even if it’s just for food. Ha ha. Picturing courageous (see my story “be courageous”) always makes me feel better as a feeling of happiness comes to me. At my physical happy place, there’s Geese, ducks, loads of chickens and all sorts of other animals.

This helps me to calm down when I get worried, anxious or when I have a bad day and so on. I believe that all of us should have a “happy place” where we can escape to.

Ps. My grammar and punctuation suck, but that’s nothing new! 🙂

Frustrated

Today I feel so irritated, frustrated and angry. I don’t know why exactly, but I woke up on the wrong side of bed in a manner of speaking.

I woke up to a radio that was turned on too loud. That started my irritation like a volcano that’s erupting violently.

I haven’t been sleeping for the last few weeks because of a consistent cough that doesn’t stop, keeping me up all night. So, the whole day I have been walking around like a lion with a sore tooth.

This afternoon I wanted cake and decided to go and bake one. That was a horrible disaster. My cake did not even raise. It stayed flat like a damn pancake. To make it worse it stuck to the pan and broke into pieces when I tried to get it out of the pan.

Well then. The cake flopped, but there’s still the icing to look forward to that my sister is busy making. Lordy, that was even more of a flop than my cake.

I ended up dividing the pieces of cake between us and threw the watery icing over it like a sauce.

Over the last 3 weeks I have lost most of my silkie chickens and some chicks due to cold weather. It’s a big loss for me.

A month earlier my partner that owns the chickens with me wants to sell a few of our breeding pairs because she can’t bring her share financially anymore.

It feels like I am losing my dream to breed and make an income out of my precious chickens that I am so fond of. It makes me angry and frustrated. What will I lose next?

I wonder what it means to be truly happy and carefree.

Lots of circumstances contribute to me feeling like this, mixed in with a bit of depression. Hopefully this will pass soon.

With days such as this, I wish I could be alone, far away from other people.

I feel like I want to howl like a lone wolf on top of a mountain.