A best friend

I do not trust anybody. It is really hard for me. I struggle to be social and prefer my own company. A lone wolf so to speak. In my viewpoint people hurt. So I am slow to make friends. And when I choose you as a friend I am really committed. I will always be there for the person no matter what.

For the last 3 years I had a friend. She’s twenty years older than me. We met through her mother and became friends quick. We did everything together and so on. we were really close. She fell on hard times and I did everything I could to support her. She sold her vehicle and soon became reliant on me to take her everywhere. I came to arranging my life around her, so that I could be there and help her where I can.

As it happened she met someone. I were really glad for her. The sad thing about this new development was that she put me and my family aside. I/ we were just not good anymore, he did everything for her. She stopped talking to me. If we communicated it just wasn’t the same and the messages became farther and farther apart as our friendship.

So, I felt used, betrayed and hurt beyond measure. I rarely make friends,and here she comes and just destroy everything. As I sit and write, all my wounds are scratched open again.

She became real chatty the last few weeks. I wondered why and found out that the boyfriend left her, because he felt she just used him. Does this mean that I am good enough again???

Anyway, the person I really want to tell you about is my sister. I realized something that I should have realized a long time ago. My sister is my best friend. She will never drop me. Never betray my trust, will always be there for me no matter what happens. My sister is my safety net. The one that I can always talk to without being judged. Do you know she says I love you every 5minutes? I asked her why and she told me that she’s afraid that we might die and she did not say she love me. There is nothing that she would not do for me and the same from my side. She is always ready with a plan when I messed up or just do not know what to do. Most of the time I feel that I do not deserve her love. In my previous post I mentioned that I am a really difficult person to live with. I get irritated quickly. I can be quite impatient and Intolerant just to name a few. And she is still at my side. She accepts me just as I am. I feel I don’t deserve her love. How can someone love and believe so much in me?

I love her so much. She is my anchor. I only wish that I realized this sooner. I would do anything for her .

This is what a true friend is.

Emotions and daydreaming.

I feel very emotional today. I long to be on my own. Without people around me. To have a place that is just my own. I want an income big enough to support myself, to be able to get a vehicle that doesn’t break every other day. I long for mornings that I wake up with no worries, sorrows and pain. I long to have a life that is not full of fighting between family members in the household and intolerance for each other. I want to be free. Free in every sense of the word.

It is nice to daydream about all these things I long for, but it is crushing me when I realize that no matter how much I long for all these things, these things will not happen.

I have been house sitting for the last month. I have to tell you; it is damn hard to adjust again. There is always a fight going on somewhere, there’s always tobacco pipe smoke in the air that aggravates my asthma and sinus problems, because of an inconsiderate father. A father who is a wonderful dad and person most if the time.

I struggle to sleep because it is too quiet. And when I am sleeping, I dream of snakes biting me. It is fitting to say that my emotions are everywhere. Sadly I really am a difficult person to live with. I can be pretty intolerant, impatient and irritable to name just a few things. Sometimes I wonder how to change. They say if you want change around you, it needs to start with yourself. Sadly, though I am not very successful at all.

Hmm this really is a depressing post, but it really seems to make me feel better writing about it today. A sort of outlet.
In the end I want God to answer my prayers. I feel as if he just disappeared and my faith with him. No matter how much you pray it really just seems that he isn’t listening. When I look around me everyone looks happy and content. They see their prayers answered. It is not fair. Ha-ha I sound just like a child!!
I have been without my depression meds for a month now. I have been thinking that maybe I am just not happy. Maybe it isn’t depression at all. The meds stopped working anyway if you ask me.
All will be ok in the end.

Ps. I am sorry for my bad grammar and punctuation.



Hello there paranoia!

A little while ago I lost my precious Lovebird Duke. I really don’t even really know what caused her death, but I think she could not get her egg out.

My mother’s lovebird started mourning after Duke died and stopped eating and so on, so we decided to get another lovebird. It felt too soon for me to get another bird. In the end I ended up with a baby that still needs to eat porridge. All is well and so on. Saro stopped mourning and I decided that I did not replace Duke at all. It sure felt like that!,

Now I have Frikkie. He is a naughty little bird with a personality bigger than the ocean. With Frikkie my paranoia start to stick it’s head out again. 8Hm… Is the porridge too hot or too cold? That thought started after his breath smelled a bit and I asked my vet what the cause can be. She said it’s possible that the porridge was either too hot or too cold. Now I keep worrying about it. After feeding I need to keep watching for any sign that could indicate something is wrong.

This morning he looks lethargic. Lordy that got my head into a spin. Is he sick or is something else wrong? My mother says I am over sensitive.

I wonder what I can do to make this happen less. It is astonishing the stupid things I can be paranoid about! I am sure there is a lot of people struggling with this. It helps to talk about it sometimes just so that someone can assure you that everything is fine.