Communication problems

I found a picture with the following words on “the biggest communication problem is that we do not listen to understand. We listen to reply”. How very true!

Often when I try to talk to someone about a touchy subject it feels as if I am talking against a wall. Especially when it is in a argument. I guess this happens a lot in normal everyday conversations as well.

This feeling makes me want to scream to be honest. It feels as if what I say do not matter. Let’s take my father for example. I stopped smoking because of my health, I could not breathe anymore at night and kept getting sick. All my father can think about is his desire to smoke. I asked him to smoke outside and he tells me he isn’t a dog and that I will not chase him out of his house. He will choose his sigarettes over his family. It is sad but true. What I am saying is that no matter how many times I try to talk to him he is stonewalling me, not truly listening to what I am saying.

We are all guilty of this in one way or the other. I do not even listen to myself and sometimes other people. I have decided to try and listen to understand. To be honest, sometimes I simply don’t know what to say or how to respond even though I understand.

Maybe if we all work on listening to understand there would be less conflict in our lives and more understanding and peace. In my opinion it’s really, really hard but we can all make an effort to do and be better.

A best friend

I do not trust anybody. It is really hard for me. I struggle to be social and prefer my own company. A lone wolf so to speak. In my viewpoint people hurt. So I am slow to make friends. And when I choose you as a friend I am really committed. I will always be there for the person no matter what.

For the last 3 years I had a friend. She’s twenty years older than me. We met through her mother and became friends quick. We did everything together and so on. we were really close. She fell on hard times and I did everything I could to support her. She sold her vehicle and soon became reliant on me to take her everywhere. I came to arranging my life around her, so that I could be there and help her where I can.

As it happened she met someone. I were really glad for her. The sad thing about this new development was that she put me and my family aside. I/ we were just not good anymore, he did everything for her. She stopped talking to me. If we communicated it just wasn’t the same and the messages became farther and farther apart as our friendship.

So, I felt used, betrayed and hurt beyond measure. I rarely make friends,and here she comes and just destroy everything. As I sit and write, all my wounds are scratched open again.

She became real chatty the last few weeks. I wondered why and found out that the boyfriend left her, because he felt she just used him. Does this mean that I am good enough again???

Anyway, the person I really want to tell you about is my sister. I realized something that I should have realized a long time ago. My sister is my best friend. She will never drop me. Never betray my trust, will always be there for me no matter what happens. My sister is my safety net. The one that I can always talk to without being judged. Do you know she says I love you every 5minutes? I asked her why and she told me that she’s afraid that we might die and she did not say she love me. There is nothing that she would not do for me and the same from my side. She is always ready with a plan when I messed up or just do not know what to do. Most of the time I feel that I do not deserve her love. In my previous post I mentioned that I am a really difficult person to live with. I get irritated quickly. I can be quite impatient and Intolerant just to name a few. And she is still at my side. She accepts me just as I am. I feel I don’t deserve her love. How can someone love and believe so much in me?

I love her so much. She is my anchor. I only wish that I realized this sooner. I would do anything for her .

This is what a true friend is.

Emotions and daydreaming.

I feel very emotional today. I long to be on my own. Without people around me. To have a place that is just my own. I want an income big enough to support myself, to be able to get a vehicle that doesn’t break every other day. I long for mornings that I wake up with no worries, sorrows and pain. I long to have a life that is not full of fighting between family members in the household and intolerance for each other. I want to be free. Free in every sense of the word.

It is nice to daydream about all these things I long for, but it is crushing me when I realize that no matter how much I long for all these things, these things will not happen.

I have been house sitting for the last month. I have to tell you; it is damn hard to adjust again. There is always a fight going on somewhere, there’s always tobacco pipe smoke in the air that aggravates my asthma and sinus problems, because of an inconsiderate father. A father who is a wonderful dad and person most if the time.

I struggle to sleep because it is too quiet. And when I am sleeping, I dream of snakes biting me. It is fitting to say that my emotions are everywhere. Sadly I really am a difficult person to live with. I can be pretty intolerant, impatient and irritable to name just a few things. Sometimes I wonder how to change. They say if you want change around you, it needs to start with yourself. Sadly, though I am not very successful at all.

Hmm this really is a depressing post, but it really seems to make me feel better writing about it today. A sort of outlet.
In the end I want God to answer my prayers. I feel as if he just disappeared and my faith with him. No matter how much you pray it really just seems that he isn’t listening. When I look around me everyone looks happy and content. They see their prayers answered. It is not fair. Ha-ha I sound just like a child!!
I have been without my depression meds for a month now. I have been thinking that maybe I am just not happy. Maybe it isn’t depression at all. The meds stopped working anyway if you ask me.
All will be ok in the end.

Ps. I am sorry for my bad grammar and punctuation.

Doing something positive

It has been a very long time since I have posted something here. Life has a way of running away from you sometimes.

Lately nothing seems to be much positive in my life as one shitty thing after the next happens whithout stopping. And my depression do not help either.

Today I thought about something. If I were to stand outside myself and look at the small things in my life there sure is a lot of small positive things happening, and I am missing it, because I just stare at all the negative things happening in and outside of my life.

As a hobby to make an extra income I have a few chickens. It is breeding season for them and chicks are popping out of their shells. It is such a wonderful thing to see. It is a new life that enters our world without seeing all the negative things. They just want food, water and their mother. It is so beautiful, making me feel warmth in my chest.

I also look after people’s homes and pets for an income and it so happens that I need to water some seeds for the current house I am looking after. Yesterday when I woke up I walked past the carton it is in I saw that three of them started to grow! It feels wonderful to see that all the watering has paid of and that I helped it come to life.

In the end I suppose we should always try to see the positive, even if it is just a half positive. I admit it is better said than done. In my case anyway. Looking for the positive things in your life might lift the darkness for a while.

I am sorry for my really crappy grammar and punctuation. it really is a very weak point!

Hello there paranoia!

A little while ago I lost my precious Lovebird Duke. I really don’t even really know what caused her death, but I think she could not get her egg out.

My mother’s lovebird started mourning after Duke died and stopped eating and so on, so we decided to get another lovebird. It felt too soon for me to get another bird. In the end I ended up with a baby that still needs to eat porridge. All is well and so on. Saro stopped mourning and I decided that I did not replace Duke at all. It sure felt like that!,

Now I have Frikkie. He is a naughty little bird with a personality bigger than the ocean. With Frikkie my paranoia start to stick it’s head out again. 8Hm… Is the porridge too hot or too cold? That thought started after his breath smelled a bit and I asked my vet what the cause can be. She said it’s possible that the porridge was either too hot or too cold. Now I keep worrying about it. After feeding I need to keep watching for any sign that could indicate something is wrong.

This morning he looks lethargic. Lordy that got my head into a spin. Is he sick or is something else wrong? My mother says I am over sensitive.

I wonder what I can do to make this happen less. It is astonishing the stupid things I can be paranoid about! I am sure there is a lot of people struggling with this. It helps to talk about it sometimes just so that someone can assure you that everything is fine.

A happy heart

As a hobby, I breed with large breed chickens that are very scarce here in South Africa. My friend shares the breeding and they are also housed there.
In January we bought five-day-old buff Orpington chicks from a breeder. As the days went on the chicks grew and we noticed that one of the chicks have a scissor beak. A few weeks later, the chicks died one after the other for no apparent reason. Only one survived- the scissor beaked chick.
We thought he would not make it long. His development is slow and we expected that he would have a lot of health issues as a result of the scissor beak. Boy was we wrong!
He grew up slowly but figured out how to get enough food into his body. We saw that he needed a large enough bucket that is half full of food. We normally do not leave this much food in cages, because it causes rats, mouse and stray bird problems that can give our chickens all sorts of diseases.
Anyway, time went on and I build a chicken tractor that larger than most chicken tractors at home and decided to bring the scissor beak rooster “Bekkie” home to live with me. I got two Pekin bantam hens that could stay with him.
I like to give fresh fruit and vegetables to my zoo here at home and Bekkie missed out as he could not pick it up. It always upsets me to see how hard he tries with no success at all. He ends up just watching the two hens eating the fruit and vegetables.
Yesterday, I bought a tub of yogurt and gave some to the hens and got a brainwave. I held the yogurt tub just as is for him and Bekkie started slurping as he ate his whole face was full of yogurt even his comb! He was so happy!
Seeing this filled my heart with so much joy I was nearly in tears! This also caused to put some shame in my heart for our human race. We are only thankful for water when we do not have anymore. We are only thankful for food when we do not have anymore. We do not take advantage of what we have.

The moral of the story is we should be more thankful for what we have. Even when we do not have much food, water or daily necessities.
Ps. Please excuse my grammar and writing mistakes. 🙂

Video I took this morning

We are the storm

Lately, I feel as if I am drowning. There is too much to do in too little time, too many new responsibilities and new problems to handle. It makes me feel anxious and worried most of the day. My thoughts in certain situations are on the nasty side. And I am struggling to sleep because of thoughts I can’t seem to put away. Everything and everyone irritates the crap out of me. I need a change.

I feel as if I am changing for good, but also bad. I love music. It calms me down gives me focus and so much more. One song by Lara Fabian “spoke” to me it is called We are the storm.

The lyrics are as follows:

 Looks like the sky is breaking open

Looks like the sky is falling down

Feels like fear is taking over

Is this the slipping of the crown?

If we run for cover 

Stick our heads in the ground

What is that to say for honor

How will that save us now?

Seems like everywhere we hear the warning

They all say a storm is coming

We are the storm, we are the storm

We can be the change that brings the lighting down

Be the thunder

We are the storm, we are the storm

If we gather all our raindrops

If we form into a wave

And take control of angry oceans

There is so much we could save

Be our own salvation

Be our own higher ground

If we recognize the power

That is what will save us now

Seems like everywhere we hear the warning

They all say a storm is coming

We are the storm, we are the storm

We can be the change that brings the lighting down

Be the thunder

We are the storm, we are the storm

Whenever the devil whispers

Whenever the devil whispers

Laugh in his face, laugh in his face

We can be the change that brings the lighting down

Be the thunder

We are the storm, we are the storm

Source: LyricFind

It tells me that I am the storm that can bring change into my own life. I can choose not to live in fear of things to come, I can choose not to react badly to things in a given situation. I can choose to change the way I think about people and things in a different way, instead of sitting and smoldering inside. I have the power to change things in my life and so do you!

It is hard to make changes in oneself. I will struggle quite a bit I imagine, but it is a decision we have to make and that we have to stick with. It is ok to fail, as long as we start again until we get it right.

We are the storm and thunder of our own lives.

What does it mean to be a good friend?

I do not have a lot of friends. I am more of a “lone wolf”. I like being alone, but not all of us are that way. My sister and mother likes to be surrounded by people and their friends.

A true friend is a friend when it is convenient AND when it’s not convenient. It is sad that there aren’t so many of those around.

My mother who has early onset dementia also do not have that many friends anymore. One of her friends whom she talks with on zoom, whom also has dementia, lost all her friends. They just disappeared one by one.

It seems that when life happens to you and it is bad your friends’ true colours will come out.

I am a friend who do not look at age. I do not look at how much money you have, whether you are rich or poor, or what color you are.

Be the type of friend you wish to have.

A happy place

In our everyday lives, things can get too much.

Yesterday our aftercare venue was moved by the principal of the school. I had to find out through a friend of mine while I was at work.

“your aftercare moved. Your mother is in tears” that was the message I received. Having early-onset dementia, change isn’t always a good thing for my mother. I also hate change. It makes me anxious. And it gets my mother’s mind scrambled upside down and anxious. Which makes her cry.

I hate it when someone cries. I am always at a loss about what I should do. Will just a pat on the back help? What do I say that won’t make the person cry more? (I can be a bit harsh at times). It’s terrible. Anyhow back to the subject.

A lot of last-minute arrangements had to be made. Contacting the teachers and parents etc. Luckily my mother could do that in between the tears.

To make matters worse, when I arrived at the aftercare and fetched the kids from class I lost my car keys. In a panic, we searched everywhere. After hours of searching, we found it in my bag. Believe it or not, but we searched through that bag 6 times. Sigh.

And to top it all off, we had to wait more than an hour for a taxi to pick up 2 kids. The taxi never arrived. It made me very angry. I felt like punching the guy because he is late every damn day.

On days such as these, I like to go to my “happy place” in my mind as well as my physical happy place. I love chickens. Besides a dog, a chicken is always loyal. Even if it’s just for food. Ha ha. Picturing courageous (see my story “be courageous”) always makes me feel better as a feeling of happiness comes to me. At my physical happy place, there’s Geese, ducks, loads of chickens and all sorts of other animals.

This helps me to calm down when I get worried, anxious or when I have a bad day and so on. I believe that all of us should have a “happy place” where we can escape to.

Ps. My grammar and punctuation suck, but that’s nothing new! 🙂

Be grateful

Today I am grateful that I am alive. I am grateful that I have an income. I am grateful to have a roof over my head.

In our daily lives we can forget to be grateful for what we have. When issues and struggles shows up we just stare straight into it without realizing that all aren’t bad. That there is still things that is working out, that is running smoothly.

Whatever you situation is, think some positives out for the situation. Or something to be grateful for.