Hurting

I’m sitting with my back against a water tank with mountains as my view. Today it feels like a mountain is on my shoulders. Actually it’s been a few days.

I wonder what it feels like to know how you are going to die. It must be devastatingly horrible. A family member of mine found out that her cancer spread a lot and that she needs to go for radiation. I think that’s what it’s called. She told my mother that she is sitting in bed every day crying where no one can see and hear her. She has a very painful road ahead of her.

My mother that has early onset vascular dementia is having bad days every day lately. I do not understand how she feels bad every day. We had a fight today because of the way I asked her whether she needed to go to the doctor or hospital among other things. Apparently I speak much nicer to my chickens. It ended with her threatening the unthinkable – suicide.

It is a sad thought to think that she will die of this illness and it’s really terrible knowledge to have for her an us- her family. I still haven’t Googled vascular dementia. It scares the shit out of me. My imagination is bad enough.

People do not realise that it is not only the person with the illness that suffers. The people and family around them suffers just as much. We also have feelings and sad thoughts about what’s happening. We are just as afraid. It sounds selfish but it is the truth. It is hard to get a thousand responsibilities suddenly on top of those that you already have. I don’t mind having them as I am sure other do not as well, but it still is something to get adjusted to. Anyway, that is the other side of the coin for today.

That being said we should always stand by whoever has a mental illness. Even if it gets extremely frustrating. Any illness for that matter. I heard of someone whose friends deserted her because she was diagnosed with dementia. It’s only cowards that do this in my opinion.

I rarely cry. But sitting here, I can’t seem to stop the tears from coming out. No one should make threats of committing suicide to others. It is downright mean. No matter what the situation is.

PS. I do not have wifi so could not put my post through grammarly so please excuse as usual my grammar and punctuation.

2 thoughts on “Hurting

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