Sad Thoughts

I have been thinking about writing this blog for a while now. It really is such a raw wound on my heart that I am afraid of being overcome with emotions, which will be good in the end. I hope.

A few months ago my mother was diagnosed with vascular dementia. At first, none of us could believe this as we did not notice this, which is strange as we all live together. She was referred to a psychiatrist for a reevaluation for her Bipolar medication, but I guess things developed from pointed questions to a test for dementia. Boy, what a hard blow. Needless to say, today a year or so later, we notice the signs clearly.

Now the question is: how the hell do we handle this? How do I handle this? I guess I am still in denial. I do not want to google vascular dementia, I don’t want to hear about it and I certainly do not want to see the symptoms. I do not want to see my mother forget something. The problem is: how do I get patience when she suddenly cannot remember what I am talking about or stop feeling irritated when she cries about every little thing? On the other side of the coin, how can I sympathize with her when she is distraught about forgetting something? Because it certainly does not help to say “do not worry it happens to me too sometimes”, all this comment is telling her is that I am trying to compare with her. This I can assure you, is not the case.

It simply is one of the ways of saying do not worry about it. These are just some of the things that are bothering me. At night I lay awake, feeling scared for us and her. How will she end up being? Will, I then resent myself because of all my impatience and the times that I got irritated as a response to something she did, say or forget? Even though I do not do this on purpose? There is so much more I want to say, but I do not have the words to type it down. All that remains is to feel like crying and to never stop.

THIS SUCKS BIG TIME!!!!

Guys, I know my grammar and punctuation is horrible. please excuse this in my blogs.

Thanks for listening.

3 thoughts on “Sad Thoughts

  1. Mom loves you, sweetheart. Thanks for writing this. All our hearts are broken for this coming across our path. I would love having your thoughts even if we have to write letters to each other like this. Talking still is so so painful. I understand.

    Like

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